Posted in Memoirs

Not All Comes Easy

I can not even begin to review all the things in my life that have changed within the last few years. Most definitely changed for the better. A few took a turn for the worst before they eventually morphed into something good. But honestly, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally beginning to get acquainted with genuine happiness in my life. I have never truthfully thought that I deserved to be happy. I settled for many things in my life. And by settle, I mean accepting anything that presented itself as easily obtainable. I have this idea in my head that the universe, and God, presented me with certain things for a reason. But up until now I assumed all of these people and things were meant to be permanent fixtures in my life… but that isn’t the case and I am so glad I can see that now.

I have the chance to start a new chapter in my life and I am jumping at the opportunity. I have big dreams for this next period of my life… big dreams for nothing but happiness. And I couldn’t be more thrilled.

I’ve spent countless moments soaking in all the happiness I can empathize with on the faces of those I love and hold dear. For some reason that has been enough for me throughout nearly the last five years of my life.

It has been my pleasure to experience my younger sister finding her soulmate and building a beautiful family with two amazing little girls. And then there are my father and mother who have worked back-breakingly hard to raise my sister and I while providing all a family demands (and much, much, more) for most of their lives– these two are now partially retired where my mother works part-time remotely (from home or wherever) and my father goes into work a couple days a week… and that’s only when they’re in town! For around four months every year they travel the states in their luxurious RV spending pure quality time alone together, on the road experiencing God’s beauty- while they are still young enough to thoroughly enjoy it as they should! I can’t forget my animals though. Words simply cannot express how much job Pedro and Silas give me… just by existing, but mostly when I can see they’re happy.

Anyhow… my point is: it’s MY turn. I want to focus on my own happiness. I want to live my life to experience that warm feeling you get in your heart and chest when you reach the pure emotion of joy. I choose to live each day forward, working closer and harder toward that physical feeling of joy; as well as to show others how such a wonderful thing feels.

Pretty cheesy isn’t it?! haha

Posted in Memoirs

Scariest: Never Knowing Someone’s True Intentions

Honestly. That has got to be the scariest thing in this life. That when you meet someone, or hell- even build a relationship with someone you can never be 100% sure of what their intentions are with you or in your life. If you’re lucky enough to be a forgiving, benefit-of-the-doubt-giving person like myself… you’ve been trampled on time and time again by people who aren’t true to their word. Sweet sugary words come out of their mouths, but they never mean a single word of it. You turn your back and BAM! they’ve stuck one of your own kitchen knives in your back.

However, if there is one thing I’ve learned from being played over and over again it is this: stay true to yourself. Even if it may cause you some pain, it is worth it in the end. It is that nasty person’s loss not your own.

Just recently someone I trusted turned out to be one of these nasty people. They formed their own backwards idea of who I was and decided to use their assumptions to try and hurt me. Hogwash. They didn’t deserve to be a part of my life and it is only their loss in being a part of my world. I can still hold my head high and feel good about who I am because I can now see their true colors. Kind of ironic that the last post was about seeing MY true colors. And now… I see other’s.

You live and you learn.

Posted in Memoirs

True Colors

Not sure if that title truly will fit this post, but my niece absolutely loves that song and will sing it over and over again… and just the thought of that is uplifting my current mood.

A lot has transpired within the last 48 hours and I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around it all. I feel like I am doing all that I am supposed to but somehow I keep coming up short. I can’t tell you how much I beat myself up for even the smallest mistakes or slightest failures. Then there is always someone who feels the need to add to it.

There are too many days where I don’t know which way is up… or if I’ll ever get there. But I keep waking up each day reminding myself that each morning brings another chance to get things right. I can honestly say I don’t know the person I have become. Little by little I can see the better parts of me starting to shine through…

I can only hope that soon enough those I love will see my true colors.

Posted in Memoirs

ummm… this life is a joooooke… but, honestly.

In between a rock and a hard place 99% of the time. Never knowing which way to turn trying to prove to myself and so many others that I am doing the best I can with all that I can. But because of my pattern and past behavior, this is like trying to teach them an entirely brand new language. I doubt myself more than I have confidence, I am depressed much more than I am proud, I am sinking so much more than I feel I am staying afloat.

Someone recently told me that it may have taken me a year to demolish everything I had… good, valuable relationships, secure, good-paying jobs, friends I could trust… but it may take me ten years to rebuild all that I’ve destroyed. I pray daily that I keep the motivation to do that.

Posted in Memoirs

”I’m Sorry”… ”I Love You”…

Please pardon the ”rant” and ”ramble” you are about to read…

Many years ago I formed a fairly solid belief regarding two different English phrases that Americans use FAR TOO OFTEN. With relentless abuse of these two separate sets of words it has inevitably caused the phrases to mean less, and less, and lesssssss over time… eventually resulting in two very important expressions meaning absolutely nothing.

The first one being ”I’m sorry.” I cannot even begin to tell you how terrible I am with how much I say this to people, even completely random people whom I would never truthfully apologize to in circumstances where it’s unnecessary. I’ve started to use it as a way to say ”excuse me,” or when I’ve been too blunt (and am not really sorry), or random situations such as these where these words aren’t truly appropriate. So when it comes time to say this to someone in the correct moment, where I am deeply sorry from the depths of my soul, it means absolutely nothing. I guess if you think about it thoroughly though, these words may actually be meaningless anyway. Because ”I’m sorry” never cuts it. Your actions causing you to use those words have already defined you. The only thing that can redefine you is your future actions. I guess what I am saying here is: you’re sorry, not sorry- so quick abusing the statement.

My second ”pet-peeve” phrase (the one of the two I am extremely delicate with is ”I love you.” I am not even sure anyone can truly tell you what love is- but we’ve all experienced a moment where we are daily sure we feel it… or think we do. I can tell when I’m ready to say it and I can usually tell when it’s a good moment to say it. But have you ever noticed when you repeat this phrase over and over, when you part ways, hang up the phone… when you say it all the time, it naturally loses its meaning. Then when you’re lying together, staring in each other’s eyes and this wave comes over you, hits you like a ton of bricks… in those moments when it’s the only thing to be said, it doesn’t mean so much. If you truly love someone, they will know it. They will feel it through your actions, sense it in your touch, they will know without you even having to say so. So why do people feel the need to say it so much?! If I walk out the door tomorrow and don’t return after work- I will know you love me. You don’t have to say so right before I leave- unless I feel it in your eyes or your soft touch against my skin while I open the door releases an energy so powerful it spills off my tongue.

I think those of us who overuse these words do so for our own peace of mind. We apologize to cover our tracks and we tell someone we love them to hear it back. Imagine how much more these two phrases would mean if we used sparingly. Strange to think about.

I have only told three men I have had romantic relationships with that I loved them. I won’t say it back if I don’t feel right about it. And nothing is worse than a man telling you he loves you, for your only comfortable response to be ”thank you.” I had a boyfriend once who was so persistent in telling me he loved me, which I didn’t reciprocate, that I eventually began replying with ”I know”, thinking he would stop. Sure enough, he didn’t.

The problem I think too many run into with the phrase ”I love you” is that there are no other words that can entirely replace them. In my current relationship, because I am so head-over-heels for this man, I want to tell him I love him nearly every second of every single day. Instead of devaluing the phrase I will slide in a few ”I like you”-s and I like to tell him that he’s my ”favorite.” Because I will tell you what, he really truly is my favorite. The point being no other words can fully articulate the emotion and meaning underlying in ”I love you.” You think that would make us more mindful of using the words- but it doesn’t. If anyone ever hears those words come out of my lips they can effortlessly rest assured that I mean what I am saying from the bottom of my soul. I will never tell another I love them for any other reason than the fact that I do.

However, when it comes to saying ”I’m sorry”, I say it on the regular. I am usually fairly conscious when choosing my words, yet not when it comes to apologizing. It fits in all too many situations where it shouldn’t. I am going to start challenging myself more often as it applies to saying ”I’m sorry”. It will be a hard habit to overcome, but once I am able to retrain my wasteful apologies I believe it will have a profound effect on my confidence. Because I am sure somewhere in my subconscious I mentally beat up on myself when I apologize (even in the most simple of circumstances where I am not in the least bit sorry).

Yet, that’s another thing about these two phrases… they should always be uttered confidently. Believing in the sentiment behind the statements is essential to their meaning. It’s hard to comprehend that these phrases have ceased to mean what they once had. They’ve become filler words and all-encompassing statements that amount more in levity than emotion.


Curly Kali Sue

Posted in Memoirs

Website Design: an Underappreciated Art

Mac 128k vs. iMac

When I was trying to decide upon something to go to college for I wanted to choose a trade or skill which could incorporate two things I am passionate about: art and computers. This realization quickly led me to an obvious interest in pursuing a degree in Graphic Design. After getting my indecisiveness under control I decided to try my hand at it and enrolled in my local community college’s “Commercial Art” program (which was just a unique way of describing graphic design). I completed all necessary prerequisites and when it was finally time to attend core courses in graphic design, I was soon enamored with everything there was to learn. Very early in life I discovered I had a love of computers. When I was just four years old, my family purchased a very basic model Apple (MacIntosh) computer with a black and white display the “Macintosh 128K.” I came to love this machine and could be seen on it daily and for a good majority of each day (if my mother didn’t shut it off if she saw it was becoming excessive and I wasn’t spending much-needed time outside). I have always loved computers and their endless capabilities. Surfing their settings, figuring out new programs, playing with everything they have to offer.

MacIntosh 128K Magazine Advertisement

Just as much as I have always had a love for computers- I have had a love for art. At around the same age, my grandmother was teaching my how to paint on canvas. Putting me in her bathtub with an easel, paints, and a brush. So it isn’t so strange that I now combine my two passions in making art on a computer. But… let’s cut to the chase of this entry…

The average person, whether they are tech-savvy or not, doesn’t even come close to understanding all that goes into one simple webpage on the internet. The amount of code involved is beyond their capacity to understand. Then to imagine how long it takes to input that HTML, CSS, or other code (don’t get me started on JAVA) is excessive. It takes a lot of time and effort to design a website. A web designer must program each page, build the sitemap, link up each page and their various elements, creatively design each element, and test the functionality of it all. I don’t think there are too many people in this world that can truly appreciate all that goes into building a website. So let this serve as my “ode” to website design and development. Because as I am designing this very site, I am running into many issues (again… don’t get me even get started on how I have had to overcome my indecisiveness as well) throughout the process and it has taken me much longer than I ever would have expected. So THANK YOU, for your faith and patience!

Posted in Memoirs

Something’s in Progress

I’ve been writing the story of the ultimate downfall of my life, which slowly happened, bit-by-bit, piece-by-piece, after my divorce. It has been very therapeutic. While I have been working on writing it all down I’ve been remembering things that transpired throughout this period of my demise which I haven’t thought about in a while. Simple things that I can attribute to my personal life-bankruptcy and the going-out-of-emotional-business sale that followed. Although I realize these things are not solely to blame for the current state I am in, some of these things are in one way or another responsible for my depression, demolishing my self-confidence, and stealing my ambition.

Writing is one of my absolute favorite things to do. Especially since it is a form of therapy and self-reflexion for me. I would go crazy if I weren’t able to release my thoughts and feelings onto paper. I’m not the type of person who often verbalizes my inner-struggles, feelings, or personal battles. I don’t typically like the vulnerability it creates… but I especially don’t like feeling like I am burdening another person with conflicts I am facing. It’s not their problem, it’s mine… so I tend to keep them to myself. But writing them in my journal is a way of releasing them…

I plan to not only share this incredibly personal struggling period of my life and my reflection on the experiences and decisions that helped me to get here; but I will soon be posting my daily entries, just as they are, handwritten on the actual paper pages of my leather-bound journal. Because I am sorry, but I cannot get passed the feeling of actually holding a pen or pencil and dragging it across a page… and I blame my enjoyment in that feeling for causing me to neglect this site. Please accept my selfish-enjoyment apologies. 😉

Posted in Memoirs

Hemming and Hawing

Each and every day we, as humans left on this Earth, are faced with challenges. Challenges in nearly every facet of our world. We are tested. God tests our strength, our resiliency, our faith, our courage, our trust, our confidence, our loyalty, our ambition, our reliability, our flexibility, our sensitivity, our stability, our discipline, our insecurities, our honesty, our patience, our modesty, our humility, our intelligence…

God evaluates every decision we make, every word we speak, every interaction we initiate, every thought we conceive, every movement we make, absolutely every possible action we execute throughout each and every moment of the day.

Whether or not we choose the appropriate decision… is completely in our hands. I cannot tell you how often I wish it wasn’t. There are too many times throughout the day where I’m hesitant to choose, where I doubt my judgment. I never have any faith in the free will God has given me. I’m completely, infinitely indecisive. This character flaw eventually became visible and obvious. My hesitation was unmistakable and was afflicting my daily life. It was impairing my relationships, damaging my professional performance. As I got older, matured, I was driven to try and understand the reasoning behind it. Why did I not trust my own ability to choose?

This is definitely not my only character flaw I have spent time investigating. I’m sure I am not the only person who believes they should have accomplished more in their life at their certain age. But given the dark period of life I am currently experiencing, I have been compelled to reflect on choices I’ve made, analyze particular behaviors, and evaluate what caused me to act in those distinct manners. I’ve discovered many rationalizations for the personal habits I have.

Since I am focused on my indecisiveness I’d like to explain my theory behind this particular characteristic… my personal explanation for my habitual indecisiveness. It’s hard for me to make daily decisions because I never want to hurt anyone, I wish that the people I love, the company I keep, to be happy… to not experience any hurt or discord. I value each and every relationship I have and I don’t want anything to cause their demise. Especially when it comes to my relationships with my family. I hold their opinions above all. If they view any of my decisions, my choices in a negative way- it kills me inside. So when I’m faced with an crucial, serious decision… my mind goes bezerk. It runs through possible assumptive judgments important people in my life may make, consequences (good and bad) that may come of the choice I make, my mind gets into a tizzy. Sometimes I choose to ignore it and make a quick, irrational decision. Sometimes I avoid the choice completely. Sometimes… I ask someone else to make the decision for me. There are things in my childhood I can definitely blame for this indecisiveness, but I choose not to.

I’m not sure if that makes any sense, but I am definitely working on curving this personality defect… and many others I possess. I work hard, everyday, to be a better person. To please my Lord and saviour with my choices and my daily actions. I hope and pray to one day be the kind of person he wants me to be. I have faith that I will eventually be confident in my decisions, and love the person that I am.